Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Relationship Guilt

Sometimes I feel relationship guilt. Many of my friends are single and sometimes I feel guilty for having an amazing relationship while they are out there struggling. 

I've been extremely blessed in my relationship but I do remember the struggle

I remember the horrible dates, friends with benefits (seriously I had a guy fall asleep in the middle of sex!), lonely nights, wondering how to meet someone, thinking I'd be single forever, increasing my toy collection, buying Costco size batteries packs (using them all) and listening to my roommate getting laid (loudly). 

Being single sucks (unless you choose to be single).  I am completely sympathetic. I wish I could give singles what I have...

however...

I'm not one of those coupled-up persons who try to hook up all their single friends. I wouldn't want that kind of pressure. I would feel completely responsible for their relationship. If it failed I would feel like I failed. Yes, I would take it that seriously! 

As my husband and I start to talk about making the next step in our relationship. I feel like I'm leaving my single friends behind. It's hard to share the joys without feeling like I'm rubbing it in their face. 

It's probably completely in my head but it's a unstated, whispered fear of mine.  

Good friends are with you no matter what but they do pull away.  I'm scared off the pull. 



Sunday, October 27, 2013

Halloween

I really like Halloween. When I was growing up my mom never let me go trick o' treating. (I use to think it was based on a religious reason but now I think she just didn't want to take me).  My church didn't offer a alternative like most churches do now and the local mall did not have Halloween night.  

I always resented her for denying me this one right of childhood passage. All my friends got to go out! 

The first time I went out for Halloween, was with friends of the family. I begged my mom to let me go out. I somehow got permission so I slapped together a costume and we went out. While we were going door-to-door we noticed that someone turned their old Victorian house into a haunted house. It was amazing/scary/fun. The owners obviously put a ton of thought and creativity into it. 

When I was in Jr. High my friends and I use to have a blast going out and hitting up our neighbors. The next day we would play poker for our unwanted candy. 

At the risk of sounding old. Times were simpler when I was a adolescent. We walked through that strangers' haunted house without a second thought. We went door-to-door.  I don't think my friend's take their kids out for traditional trick o' treating. 

Are we more cautious or are things that bad?

I don't hand out candy anymore. I would only have one or two knocks on the door. (Maybe it was the neighborhood). 

I feel like Halloween has been ruined by skanky costumesracist costumes, and a scary world. It's not fun and innocent anymore. 

I wonder if by the time I get around to having children I won't be able to share these memories with my child.  

I guess there is always Disney! 


Thursday, October 17, 2013

I'm Falling in Love

I'm falling in love with California...again.

I've always had love for my home state. I ALWAYS represented my state (probably to the annoyance of some). I think everyone I encountered knew where I was from and my plans not to stay on the East Coast. 

Despite the setbacks, returning to California has been the best experience. I find myself enjoying the sunshine, everyday. I almost forgot how freaking beautiful the sky is in Northern California. The weather has been on point. The only time I wear socks/shoes is when I go to the gym.

I feel whole here. It is like my life was missing something in DC but it wasn't obvious. I only feel it when I'm here. I feel like ME. (Not that I wasn't myself in DC). I also forgot how nice and laid back people are. It's just a relaxed feeling here. 

When I drive through the city I admire the rivers, the buildings and the scenery.  They make me smile and sigh. The same way I did when I would drive over the 14th street bridge in DC and spot the Lincoln Memorial with the Washington Monument punctuating the sky.

Maybe I just have a thing for architecture. 

There is also something to be said about being surrounded by people who have known you forever. Hanging out with my best friend (who I'm afraid I've neglected while I was in DC) feels familiar and comfortable. We're still wise cracking and fast talking but more mature.  I love that I can see my sister when I want. I didn't realize I missed her until she invited the hubby and I over to watch our Oakland Raiders lose yet another game. She cooked and I was in heaven.

Next month my mom returns to California. All my [close] family will be in the same state!! As corny as it sounds I'm looking forward to Sunday dinners with my family.

 I'll admit that I grew very fond of DC. I'll miss it in some ways. I matured there--I arrived when I was 20, left at 23, returned at 24 and finally left again at 32. But something the GBFF [that is Gay Best Friend Forever] said the other day stuck with me. He said I'm [now] in the city where people go to settle down and start families.  

I'm finally ready. 

Sunday, October 6, 2013

No More Naked Sundays

I don't know quite how it happened but soon after arriving in California and the whole not having a place to stay it was determined that my dad would be living with us, temporarily.

WHAT IN THE HELL WAS I THINKING???

Seriously!

I've been on my own since I was 18 except for that brief year I moved home after I graduated from Howard. It was miserable. My husband and I have been living together since we got married almost 4 years ago except for the brief two weeks in between apartments when we lived with his mom. It was miserable. 

Having him live with us is like having a weird  related-to-me roommate. 

Do we cook dinner for him? No

Why is he eating my special only-for-me food? 

How can he watch CNN and MSNBC ALL DAY! [We only have one TV until our stuff arrives from DC]. Trying to find something that 3 people can watch together is interesting. 

My biggest issue is the car. My dad's car is dead. (One of the reason's he is living with us is to save money to buy a motor home [long story]). He thinks he can borrow my car when needed.

I do not like to share my car (or anything really) and he just demands to use it.  He actually said...."I'm going to need the car tomorrow"

WHAT?? You can't even ASK?? I can come up with a pretty plausible excuse for him not to drive my car but it kinda makes me look like a jerk. 

Maybe I need to be a jerk. 

The other day he was going to tag along with me to the library. He got upset because I didn't want to run his other errands besides going to the library. He pouted and decided he didn't want to go to the library after all. He barely spoke to me the rest of the day.  

It would have been funny if it wasn't happening to me.

The worse part about moving my dad in our apartment is he never leaves! 

GONE are my naked Sundays.  One of the best parts about being married is naked Sundays. [if you don't know about naked Sundays well...I suggest you Google]. 

How do people make love with their parents in the other room? I guess it is the same way they did it when we were in the other room. 

Thankfully our rooms are on opposite sides of the apartment but I do wonder how much he can hear. I'm not about to ask. 

I hope these 4 months go by quickly.